|Posted on 1 January, 2017 at 22:45|
So as I was sitting in a bar with my wife the other night waiting for our friends to arrive and I was observing my surroundings and the clientele as I usually do. I have always been a 'Wallflower' I guess you could say....always an observer and often a quiet one. Not totally introverted (although that's my usual nature), but certainly periods of it interspersed with epic conversation and friendly exchanges. Even in those periods of engagement I'm still very aware of my surroundings and any potential situations which might be in the early stages. I have been like that since before I studied human behaviour or trained in martial arts. I guess somewhere along the line I felt it was what I needed to do. Not always looking for danger, but just trying to make sense of what is before me.
So as I surveyed the scene I became a little envious of those who were drinking and having a good time. Now they may not have been very intoxicated at this stage but they sure were having fun. Just to be clear it wasn't the booze I was envious of because after nearly 8 years of sobriety that doesn't even enter my radar. But I was envious of just being able to let loose and have fun. I felt like such a cynical and jaded bastard and I often have in these situations as someone who has a large percentage of control going on because of the lack of substances I guess you could say. Like everything, there are healthy and unhealthy aspects and it can become a wonderful and paradoxical dance between wanting control, yet badly wanting to be out of it at times to loosen the control.
So then I thought about how my life has changed since becoming sober 8 years ago as a musician in pubs and clubs all the time and thought I might start this fun little blog where I reflect on these things....as someone who was an absolute drunken wreck, who now views the world through sober eyes. It will be fun but it will also have times of rawness and depth. I'm ok with that and is generally how I roll anyway.
So I guess I had better elaborate on something before I wrap this up for now. When people ask me, and they often do, the first step to creating that change I always tell them that the decision to stop or at least cut down must come from you first. I have seen it countless times where someone is wanting, hoping or praying someone close to them will stop and they don't, or do for a short period of time and fall back. Any decision in life must come from your decision to do it because you are the one who has to traverse that path. You may have supporters on that path, but it is yours. You must wish to tread it, and own the journey.
I had so many people worried about me for so long because I was another level of self destructive 'crazy'. Even some of the 'looser' people I know thought I was out of control. And they were right. But my reasons were for it were many and they all had to culminate in my integrating all the reasons and deciding on a solution. My support system was able to reap the benefits of my sobriety, as did I, but they couldn't until I decided it had to change. Now I'm not saying that it must be done one specific way, because there are many relevant paths to traverse. But I will say that the decision lies with you....
Much love to you all until next time. I'll actually try and make this a weekly thing because with so many projects on the go at once it can be hard to keep up, however this one is nice and short and fun.
Until next time